What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 03:39
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why don't I get sleep at nights?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I think the readers, may guess!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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Comes on , in middle age.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was very sick at this time too.
It was going to be , some day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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I don,t even have a pension.
But it wasn’t much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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Im still living with it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was in good health!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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Was to survive, this bastard.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were not on the streets..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was scared of men, in general
We all went to grammer schools
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I never cut or harmed myself..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And i lived it daily.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I have no regrets .
I will be 64.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was seconnd youngest,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I said to her
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
When she asked me how she looked .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My family never makes their pension either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My life is so biszare .
One cannot live in the past .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Put me off passion for life!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He knew the spot.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I could never make a relationship work though!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But, we were locked up after school.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She found it foreign!.
She loved him until the end.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was 9 years of age.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
This is soul school!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Who then, do I blame.?
She married twice! .
I waited trembling.
Would this be the day?
What did i know ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i do to all so called friends.?
So, i spoilt her more .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I write beautiful poetry .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I couldn’t, believe it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
All the time i was locked up.
So whats the point in blame.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!